You take me as I am
Into your new scarred hands
and when I run so far away
you always call me back again
into your open arms
not matter what ive done
amazing grace has found me here
because of what you've done, for me
PlanetShakers - Weight of the World
astO loves her friends, bowling, baking, bowling, reading, bowling, writing, bowling, ManUtd, bowling.
Kutless, The Lads, Switchfoot, MercyMe, Stacie Oricco, Avalon, blah blah blah
Astoria Needs to Stop Spending.
*Jason (Hsien Xian)
Image: [Double Rainbow]
Monday, March 28, 2005
If you have been wondering what happened to this soul for the past 3 days, I'll tell you that I have been very busy.. With Easter, church, playgroup and bowling. Bowling on Sat with my dad was great.. As you may know, my standards not very good, but I managed to score pretty well the past few times I've been bowling. Saturday had another high score of 191, where I beat my dad flat. I wasn't keeping track of the score, I was just amazed that my sparing for that game was high, only one open frame. This shows I can bowl, but my dad has implemented a "Nothing below 150" rule, that means, if I play with him, I have to get 150 and above as the games under 150 are not paid by him.. Sheesh.. Thanks dad (sarcastic tone..)
Had a Main Comm meeting today for Design Orientation, I have a feeling that this is going to best year yet! Ok, I'm biased, because like it's done by my cohort, but so far whatever we've been talking about is starting to sound quite good! Hmm... Meeting was super long, 5 hours in fact and I had a paper this morning and it didn't go quite well. Hopefully I pass, and it won't pull down my A grade.. Too think I was wanting to sleep after meeting, which I did for like 3 hrs. Super tired.
*Yawn* I think I'll go back and laze in bed. Shout out to everyone I'm missing like the Bowling team, and my course mates.. CheerS!!
Thursday, March 24, 2005
My Bestest Bud in my course! Director cum last semester's table sharer and future archeologist --- I present to you XinYi!!!
All the Sparkly Things..
Yesterday was a good day.. Thanks to Stacie and all.. Oh and if you were wondering why there's a sudden influx of photos, it's because I wanted some IVP photos from her laptop and at the same time she was teaching me how to use the Hello software..
Woke up a bit late yesterday then went down with Stacie's family to Leisure. Bowled 2 games before going to the beach. Sat on the breakwater and stared out.. Stacie was lying down and she started going on about the sparkly things she was could see. I was like, "where?" then she asked me to stare at the sky. I did, for awhile, but I still couldn't see anything. At that point, I started to think Stacie's lost it (haha.. kidding stace..) until she said lie down and try to see. Finally I could see it.. Water vapour or something cos it was a cloudy day. Guess what? It had to start to drizzle.. Bah! Went back to leisure and bowled another 4 games. And returned to the beach hopefully to see stars. All there was was a dark sky.. Hmm.. Oh well.. In the end left Leisure at about 12 plus (can't remember)? Had a really good day, thank you Stacie for saving this soul from utter boredom...
Now in school waiting for the orientation main comm meeting to start... Argh.. In CAD Lab with Sheena.. hehe... More later... CheeriO..
Most of the Hougang Chalet people... all gone bonkers at the end of semester.. Yes yes, We'll gather for a zoo outing soon...
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
On the day of IVP... hehe.. Miss all of them... especially Stacie!! =)
IVP Squad again
IVP Girls Squad..
Useless.. Plain Useless
Monday, March 21, 2005
Sometimes I wonder what I did to get these set of parents . Usually I'll go on about how comically funny they are or how mad my dad is but now, I'm filled with nothing but rage when I see them both. Especially my mum. I don't want to use the word useless, but there's no other substitute. Now that Mum's not working, all she does day in and day out is watch her stupid Korean drama serials. Utterly pointless. Her kids are expected to live on processed food and coffee shop food while she sits at home watching those pointless shows that always revolve round the same plot. I like that girl, but the girl likes someone else. Triangular relationship. Bah! Useless... Just a few days out of a week, I'll be very glad to eat home cooked food. This is the reason why I prefer to stay at Godma's during my holidays.
My dad on the other hand, spends all his time on the computer after buying dinner for us that when I shout his name a million times he doesn't know. Tell him I'm bored and he wouldn't care less. Why else do you think I'm blogging so much now? I'm bored to death, rotting away and he and mum don't care. Won't even offer to bring me bowling... Yesterday I woke up, waited the whole day for him to ask me go bowling, and when he asked, he was so reluctant mind as well don't open his mouth. And what time it was then? 9 plus.... You tell me la, what's the point? He scolds me when I don't play, but how to play when he doesn't bring me. There's no point in playing alone when there's no one to correct you. Told him that I'll be paying for a computer on my own and he says will talk to mum about it, however till now, he hasn't!!!!! I don't know what in the world they all are thinking. I've been so pissed about this the past 3 days. Hope they discover this blog and find out how angry I am. I even doubt they know I'm angry....
Call in the morning disrupted my peacefulh sleep, actually I was half asleep. Going in and out of dreamland just to pass my first day of official break till May. Bloody warm actually, what's with the weather? Anyway, that's not the point of this entry. I've just been told about 20 minutes ago that I'm supposed to head the entire Administration for the Design School's orientation. Ms Vaanthi has a lot of faith in me... Hmm, next step, get me a Assistant Head and work out a strategy on how to better hand out the Freshies Matrix and Proxy cards... Hopefully I can avoid the situation we had last year. Praying hard that me and my assistant can come out with strategies to really improve the handling out of cards.
This is not the only leadership thing I have to deal with this holidays. Planning the upcoming Bowling Trials for the next semester for freshies and others to join. Try to learn as much as I can because if I'm still in the Committee in 2 semesters, I've have to do it without the guidance of the Seniors. Why? Because my seniors are leaving soon!!! I already miss them during off-season, what more when they leave...
Astoria Koh - The leader, who'd imagine this? hehe.. I've decided to take up these roles because of the advice and encouragement of Charlene, Lena, Faridah and a few others (it'll take up a lot of space just to name you all..) Just want to give a Shout Out to ya! CheerS!
Argh! Ranting and Raving
Sunday, March 20, 2005
I was proved right yesterday when I said nobody listens when I talked. I was so full of rage and anger last night that I talked to Elisha ( my brother) about it. However, instead of listening to what I have to say before commenting, he just talks after whatever I want to say. H e gave me insights he thought I don't know, I'm not that stupid, all i really want is for someone to listen when I talk, maybe comment later. Ah, what the hell... He thinks I'm really naive or something that I don't understand the situation. However the fact is HE doesn't understand the situation. Spoiled and giving attitude, always thinks he's right. It's always my fault, he's never at wrong. Bloody annoying...
I know I've been saying this for the past few entries, but I'll post the photos when I know how to use the Hello software...
Saturday, March 19, 2005
Finally, the day where all waits impatiently to arrive, the day that everyone can let themselves hang loose. School's out for the next 2 months! Yes! I've planned part of my scheduele already. Going to the Zoo with Hougang Chalet, going bowling with God knows who (I'll ask around who wants to go), going movie watching with my bestest poly mate and if Annabel can get me a job then it'll be working. Other than this baking obviously, scents of freshly baked cakes and cookies filling the house... Yum Yum..
My birthday on Thursday was ok. The group of friends I hang out didn't realised it was my birthday until the afternoon. But it's ok, as long as they somewhat remember. Hanafie and Catrin was so cute, bought me a milkshake at the school cafe... hehe... and Xin Yi (my bestest bud) gave me a massager to relive me of all my aches after bowling... haha.. Cell group celebrated it at night, actually I didn't want to attend at all.
I don't know how to post pictures man... Got to find out...
I'm Never Going to Be Good Enough
Wednesday, March 16, 2005
I'm not good to be anyone
I'm not good to be considered a friend by anyone
I'm not good to be trusted
I'm not good to be liked
I'm not good to be loved
I'm not good to be in love
I'm not good to be top
I'm not good to be given help
I'm not good to be talked to
I'm never going to be good enough
Always have this feeling that no one trusts me. Sometimes just concern can be taken the wrong way. Am I just good enough for people to trust me one time? Seems like friends trust me once and then never again. Have I said anything wrong? Have I told anyone anything? Seriously, I doubt so. Just want people to trust me, to talk to me when they're down, and have a best friend in me. But seemingly to most people, I don't fit the bill. Never had a best friend or a buddy where I can really share my heart, never had someone who would share their hearts with me. Am I just not good enough to be trusted? Wish people would pay a little attention to me, however no one's bothered I guess...
Depressed... Heart's crying out.
Do I have leadership capabilities?
Still doing my model, which is driving me nuts. The idea was formed in my head, using fufilment as my concept. Now I just have to find a way to explain it. Big headache... 2 - 3 projects due this week (Thursday and Friday) and a presentation on Thursday. Really hate this week, can't believe I'm slogging on the week where my birthday lands on. Usually I'll be on holiday, never have worked on that day.. Humbug...
I was in the canteen wanting to buy a drink after my class in the workshop today. My lecturer Ms Vaanthi who was at the table next to my course mates started talking about me. Then she asked whether I signed up for Orientation. I gave her a bewildered ''Huh?'' until she said she saw my name on a sheet of paper. Asked if it was a pink sheet (cos Faridah wrote it on a pink sheet) and she said yes. So I replied, I did sign up for it, because she thought someone had ''sabo-ed'' me. The next question she asked me really shocked me. ''Do you want a leadership role, or a Group Leader role?'' I was like I'll take any role assigned to me. ''Cannot cannot, you must choose...'' was her reply.
Seriously speaking, everyone thinks I have leadership capabilities. Which I can't see in myself. Ms Vaanthi thinks I'm up to the task of leadership, and I find it quite unbeliveable... Since primary school till now, I've always held a post in school leadership... Don't know why teachers have so much faith in me. Even my peers think I do and voted me the Vice Captain of the Girls Bowling Squad in TP. Everyone thinks I can do it but me.. and I don't think I can... I'm afraid people won't listen to me when I delegate (might think I'm bossy), I'm afraid when things go wrong all those under me will blame me and I'm afraid of people not liking me. My girls Captain Lena asked me to try out the leadership role first. I took her advice, maybe I should do the same for Orientation... I'll write more later...
Back to model making...
Tuesday, March 15, 2005
I've a major project due on Thursday. And guess what? I don't have any idea for a sculpture with the theme 'Live, Work, Play'! A concept has to come out first and I was thinking of links or figures or symbols. Other than that I don't know what else to do with it... I'm going to be so darn screwed! Argh!!! If any of you think of an idea and don't mind me using it, please leave a comment with a full description of the proposed model. Thanks a lot...
Doubt I'll be sleeping soon, there's so many things on my mind... This project has filled up my stomach and it feels so queasy. Ideas just won't come out... Help me...
Bowling Bowling Bowling
Sunday, March 13, 2005
Really quite happy about the way I'm bowling now. Bowled for the past 2 days. Last night with my dad and his friends and one of them helped me a lot. Started off with a 132, 154 then 156 after which I took a breather and totally lost my momentum. Played a 93 (can you believe it?), and a few 120-130 plus games. But I still got to keep my arm straight when delivering the ball.
Then today after church, went to the bowling alley to bowl with Charlene and Boon. I thought will only be like 3 of us, ended up with my dad, his friend Alvin and Thomas. So crowded... haha... Played 3 games; 113, 153 and 145. Was really happy, finally my scores are what I want it to be. Just thought I give a bowling update.. hehe..
Nothing much to write actually, don't want to give a loooong entry. Hmm, anything else? Oh yes, this week is the last week of school! But that means a lot of submissions and hopefully I won't fail anything... Pray hard I won't, especially my Project of which, I have no idea what I'm doing... Oh god, help me...
Still on Cloud 9 about bowling...
Saturday, March 12, 2005
I got home too late last night to blog, it was 1 am and I way too tired to even switch on my computer. Had a long sms conversation with Boon in which I may have annoyed him too much, just want to say sorry. Actually I don't know if he's even angry with me, just that he didn't reply my sms when I explained something he wrote to him, so ya.. Sorry Boon...
Finally had that talk with Irene about church thing, and it went quite ok actually. She understands what I'm going through and has said if I need a break from anything, it would be okay. I was quite surprised really, didn't expect that... Church ended around 11 at the Indoor Stadium last night, was pretty amazing to say the least. People were being cured of arthiritis, accidents, cancer and even the wheelchair-ed bound were starting to walk. And when the choir joined hands, the power of God fell upon them and all of them fell in heaps. The Lord never fails to amaze me. I'm still thinking about taking a break from cell and ministry, will make up my mind soon.
Going bowling tonight, don't know if my back can take it. I can't slouch without feeling pain, it's gone down a little, but still. Oh well, hope it's fine. Bowling with Charlene and Boon and I don't know who else already...
I bring it to you... by Avalon...
Thursday, March 10, 2005
Just wanted to share the lyrics of this song... Sometimes I feel like that...
All of these words on paper, All of these thoughts in my head
The times I feel out of favour, The fear that sleeps in my bed
All of these stones in my pocket, My dreams that crashed on the shore
Faith when I thought I lost it, I lay it all at your door
I bring it to you, There's wonder in all that you do
I bring you the scraps that make up my soul, and you make me whole
Songs that I've shouted to Heaven, The grace I've never deserved
All these gifts I've been given, The life that I find in your word
I give you the glory, and I praise your holy name
But more than anything, I bring you love
I bring you love...
Home alone right now, watching MIIB. Isaac's gone to the St Hilda's concert, Elisha's gone to choir rehersal for Benny Hinn's Choir, Mum's gone to pick dad. How nice, isn't it, sick and yet none of my family's showing concern except my dad who dragged me to the docs yesterday. Oh well, always been like that.
I really got nothing to do now. Wish I had someone to cuddle up to now. Weird eh? But I know it's impossible. I'm so bored. Asked dad to bring me bowling today, but he's not around and wants me to wait till Staurday. Argh, I'm so bored that's why I want to go today. Maybe I'll blog later, see how... See ya!
Maybe I'll just blog everyday.. haha...
Sick, Sick, Sick
Wednesday, March 09, 2005
I had fever last night.. 37.6 degrees.. It subsided this morning and I went to school for revision lecture. Left school at around 3 plus and about that time my body started feeling cold.. Usually with me, fevers just come once and leave. However this time it came back more aggressive and when I went to the doctor's just now, it was 38 degrees. Took my medication, still not feeling too good, stomach's feeling queasy..
I've a 2 day MC but the thing that worries me now is my major project for Year 1. Tomorrow's the final consultation for it and I don't know what track I'm on. The doctor said die die tomorrow cannot attend school, it's a sure thing that people will get sick.. Guess have to liase with a lazy lecturer via email. Probably end up consulting another lecturer... Ok, better go and rest, write more tomorrow when I'm up..
Sick to the pits of my stomach.. Argh...
Tuesday, March 08, 2005
just thinking about things...
How life is,
How things seem to throw themselves at you at the wrong time.
Oh well, life's like that...
We seem to live for own,
Why can't we live in harmony?
And care more for others than our own selfish thoughts?
I don't know why I wrote the above, just typed it out when my fingers were on the keyboard. Maybe it makes no sense, I don't know. Seem interesting that everyone's playing mind games... Why? I'd like to know.. Don't we all benefit if we just helped people without ill intentions (or maybe with) then not helping at all? It's no point hiding behind the curtain of friendship when behind that curtain everyone is playing games with each others minds. What good does that do? Does anyone gain anything? Unless of course your main intention was to sow discord... But what goes around comes around...
Maybe I'm just talking in circles, maybe I don't make sense at all. But something is weighing me down in my heart. I just have to find out what's wrong... Is it this, or is it something else?
Love and Dreaming about it
Monday, March 07, 2005
Verses never fail to leave an impression on me. One of these verses are from 1 Corinthians 13. Poignant because it talks about LOVE...
If I speak in tongues of men and of angles but have not love, I am only a resounding gong or a clanging cymbal.
If I have the gift of prophecy and can fanthom all mysteries and all knowlegde, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but have not love, I am nothing.
If I give all to the poor and surrender my body to the flames, but have not love, I gain nothing.
Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud.
It is not rude, it is not self seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs.
Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth.
It always protects, always trust, always hopes, always preserveres.
Love never fails. But where there are prophecies, they will cease; where there are tongues, they will be stilled; where there is knowledge, it will pass away.
For we know in part and prophesy in part,
but when perfection comes, the imperfect disappears.
When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child.
When I became a man, I put childish ways behind me.
Now we see but a poor reflection as in the mirror; then we shall see face to face. Now I know in part; then I shall know fully, even as I'm know.
And now these three remain: faith, hope, and love. But the greatest of these is love.
I was talking to Charlene last night, and for some unknown reason, this chapter kept popping into my head this morning. We were talking about relationships and there I was again, wishing to see the lad I liked and pining away for a relationship. But she put it into perspective for me and I realised some things. I went on about not having anyone liking me and stuff like that, and she said I'm such a sweetheart (she's the sweet one, saying stuff like that! hehe..), they will be but I have to wait. True, what people say, my self esteem is low. Oh well, always been like that since secondary school. I really sometimes wish for a relationship, but maybe it's just not the time yet.. God's timing truly isn't mine. Just go on dreaming about it eh? Cheerio...
Sunday, March 06, 2005
Just got home from lunch with Lena, Andy and Edwin. Bowled this morning, got there around 11 plus, waited for Lena and Andy so I talked to Boon who works there... then Boon say people who are always early lose out... It's in my nature la, I don't like to be late for anything, though this causes me to wait everytime.. haha, but technically I don't mind. Bowling as usual, no diff, average only 112.. feel like jumping down (ok, kidding, I know a bit drastic). Maybe I should play more often since school closing soon, organise this kind of Sunday thingy with friends. Play then laugh laugh laugh... hehe... Thank god that Andy drove today, cos me and Lena got 2ball bag each, then after lunch he sent us home... Cheers Andy! He likes my mum's car, I ask for you if she lend you or not since she don't drive that often anymore... hehe... ok la, nothing more... might blog tonight... see whether got anything interesting happen..
This is the beginning of my blogging days. Nothing special really, just want to let things out of my system. Decided to take the advice of Stacie, and create a blog. Hope my english improves too, miss writing, all I've been doing is drawing...
Many thoughts have been running through my head lately. Guess have to deal with them soon. When the people involve find out, I reckon shock and unhappiness will prevail... haha.. Most of these thoughts involve church and I've spoken to some close friends about it. I kinda want to leave my cell group and ministry, I feel it's taking up too much of my time. A lot of things have taken precedence over these two things, things like homework and bowling. A cooped up chicken in a chicken wire cage, that's what it's like being in a cell. I want to go for service still, but not the rest. I'm tired, burn out... Yesterday I couldn't go for make up cell (since thurs I didn't go cos of school work) and someone had to ask me what time I would be coming home. What time I come home is none of his business! Since when was everyone keeping tabs on my life... My friend who's leaving her job (one of my close friends) is more important, I see her like once every 2 months? Leave a comment and tell me what I should do..
On a lighter note, most of my assignments are done, only left a sculpture, journal, axonometric drawing and a speaker to be done. Not forgetting a Travel and Tour paper on the 28. haha... what lighter note... Anyway, don't ask me why my blog's name is called Spun Sugar. Spun Sugar is part of a craft in culinary. It's quite an interesting craft really, but difficult. Might change it to dainty cakes... I'll see how... hehe... Might not update daily, but I'll try, especially on days when I'm really full with bottled up emotion...